A Gentleman Never Tells (unless it's about Corque's stag)

For those of you who read my previous blog, you'll know that when it came to my brother Corque's stag, we had a LOT of making up to do. After all, if he was to finally get over the fact that we went all the way to Heathrow airport just to tell him we weren't going to Vegas, there would have to be a good reason for doing so.

Therefore, between Romania, Arnie and myself we realised we had to devise a stag weekend that would play to Corque's tastes. And so, Corque's stag: A Gentleman's Weekend was created. 

The 21 invited stag guests/lords would have to arrive at my parent's home/abode/abbey early Saturday morning dressed in appropriate hunting attire:

Oh Lord Benson...a true gentleman indeed.

There, they would partake in an inaugural ceremony which officially opened an "inter estate" tournament, including official inter estate pipes to puff on and inter estate houses to team up in: House Lagos, captained by Lord Williams of Bank formerly of Lagos. House Northwood, captained by our esteemed stag, Lord Marcus aka Corque, and finally, House Oxhey, captained by the repulsive and working class ruffian, Lord Gee aka Oxhey.

Lord Oxhey in the mix: no surprise there

By 10am, everyone was on the coach and totally smashed. After a 1 hour coach ride which included gentlemanly banter such as hymn book singing, roadside urinating, and of course, house point scoring, we arrived at our first destination, London's most prestigious Polo Club: Ham Polo Club.





Whether it was our attempts at "horse racing" around the grounds, or Lord Gee's attempts to hump the race course I don't know, but after 3 minutes of being inside the club Prince Charles is a member of, we were officially chucked out.

Wayne: legend

Not that this would get us down, as only 20 minutes later we found ourselves at activity two: rowing on the Thames. We arrived with booze and a megaphone in hand and after much deliberation by the Richmond Bridge Boathouse club owner Mark, as well as a hilarious conversation with a local drunk called Wayne (see photo), we were finally allowed onto our vessels. 

According to Mark, it should have taken us 25 minutes to row up to the pub where we were having our lunch. However, for Lord Benson, Dr. Wee Wee (Lord Webber's new adopted name due to his incessant bladder issues) as well as the majority of other rowers, the current was so strong, that after an hour on the river instead of being a kilometre upstream at the pub, we were about 200 yards downstream from where we started, meaning Mark and his team had to tow us all back to his shop. 

Dr Wee Wee entertaining the crowd at the White Swan.

Nevertheless, banter levels were still at an all-time high, and a brisk 20 minute walk later, we arrived at the White Swan Pub- a lovely rustic watering hole on the bank of the Thames.

It was here that the group recuperated...we ordered a load of chicken wings, beer and burgers, and in spite of the fact that the coleslaw tasted of chlorine, the service was great and everyone had a jovial time indeed.



After the meal, we ventured to our next "gentlemanly" activity: clay pigeon shooting. Now, it came as a surprise when we were organising this activity, but there is in fact a clay pigeon shooting range quite local to us, just off of the A1 near Borehamwood. Not only that, but an afternoon of shooting only cost us £35pp: score. 

A1 Shooting Ground: Banter

Top three moments for the group whilst we were there:

1. When Lord Romans discovered (30 minute after we had done it) that whilst he was asleep we had stuck three pieces of chewing gum on his head

2. Lord Shorts discovering that he was a Grade-A marksman in his past life.

3. Our coach driver (Sir Michaels) defending all of our integrity as he explained to the shooting instructors that, despite appearances and the fact that there was a small mountain of empty whisky and beer bottles in the coach, we were definitely not drunk.


And so, the day came to a close. However, the fun was from over, because as soon as the clay pigeon shooting was over, the stag members were asked to change into their evening attire to continue the celebrations:

Corque and Lord Nikolai: Fine men.

Chicken goggles at the ready gentlemen!

A short train journey into town, and a 5 minute walk from Aldgate East later, and the staggers walked into an East London gallery (called the Rag Factory)that we had kitted for the majority of our evening's entertainment. The room was candlelit, decorated in inter estate colours, and had traditional pictures of Lord Marcus and his family to stick with the theme. A quite superb three course meal (catered by none other than The Delisserie), some napkin twirling, chicken goggling, inter estate singing and cocktail swigging later, the Lords were all in good form, which meant the rest of the evening went like clockwork: 

We played a quite epic video drinking game, had some outlandish ceremonial tasks for Lord Marcus to complete and even had a surprise guest join us, before heading out for a very messy night "on the town".

But the fun didn't stop there, as that night everyone crashed at my parents place. The next day, 20 heavily hung over Lords woke up to the site of an inflatable boxing ring in the back garden and quite possibly the greatest BBQ to ever be made on a stag...ever. 

It really was an amazing weekend. What's even more amazing is that the whole weekend came to a grand total £200pp.

And so, although Corque may never get over Vegas Prank, his Gentleman's Weekend went down in the record books as a truly epic stag do. Please feel free to check out the montage below (my favourite clip being that of Lord Oxhey at the polo club):

Otherwise, if you simply fancy doing any of the outrageous things we organised, check out the below links:

http://www.whiteswantwickenham.co.uk/

http://www.hampoloclub.com/

http://www.richmondbridgeboathouses.co.uk/

http://www.delisserie.com/catering/

http://www.ragfactory.org.uk/


1luv, 

Finey

xxx

" I don't care if none of you can come, I'm going to Vegas for my stag"

Corque dressed as a c*nt: how ironic.

Let's set the scene. 

It was about 4am, and after 7 hours of a pre stag (see previous post if you don't understand) which included copious drinking, gold fish force feeding and body pissing- yes, actual urinating on bodies- my beautiful brother Corque was in such a mess that he was starting to become, let's say, a bit vulgar.

Why? Well, because by 4am Corque was not just suggesting to all those in my TV room, but outright insisting that even if NONE of us could come, he was going to Vegas for his stag.

Of course, like with most things Corque does and says, we were taking this behaviour with a pinch of salt.  After all, Corque is known to exaggerate when voicing his opinion at the most sober of times. However, as the weeks unfolded and Corque continued to insist that it was Vegas or nothing for him, despite our countless attempts to make him consider that very few were willing to join him, we knew we needed to do something drastic.

And so, we decided that we had no choice but to do the following:

1. Plan an epic stag trip to Vegas for the select group of Corque's closest friends and family members who were willing to come.

2.  Then when we get to the check in desk at Heathrow, turn around to our beloved stag and tell him that we weren't going to Vegas...in fact, we were going straight home as his stag wasn't even starting that day.

Indeed, this c*nt was going to get royally fucked. 

However, despite being a brilliant idea, the planning had to be so perfect that even if Corque had his doubts, he would simply HAVE to believe we were going. And so, the next 3 months we devised the perfect prank.

The plan of attack was as follows:

1. Get someone totally trustworthy on board 

2. Inform all of those involved from a very early stage about our plans

3. Set up a diversion prank

4. Plan a trip to Vegas

So, after an intense few months of planning, here's what happened:


1. Get someone trustworthy on board

We knew that if the actual prank was to be believable, we needed to have people on board who Corque would never suspect to be a part of the prank. Therefore, a month or so before the main event, we called up my Dad, aka Mr. MTIP, and told him that he was going to be joining us in teaching Corque a highly important life lesson. Without hesitation, he accepted.

Someone trustworthy was very much on board.

2. Inform all of those involved from a very early stage

Two months before the prank, we informed all those participating about our plans. We told them they could not tell anyone- even their girlfriends/wives- that this was a prank. If Corque asked any questions, they would have to act excited but refuse to say anything. In effect, they would have to live their everyday lives as if they were actually going to Las Vegas.

Method acting friends: check.

3. Diversion Prank

In order to throw Corque off the scent, we got one of his close friends, Future Cutie, to play a prank on him only a couple days before the main one.  The prank had to be convincing though and look like we put real effort into it.

Therefore, we got Future Cutie to arrange for Corque to go to a "really important" business meeting he had set up, at the hotel bar of the Mandarin Oriental at 10.30pm. At the hotel, at this highly inconvenient hour, Corque would have to pitch a business idea to one of Future Cutie's American business colleague's looking to invest in a new up and coming UK music project.

An hour or so before Corque arrived, we informed the head waiter that he would be coming in and said that when he orders 3 expensive alcoholic drinks (peach Bellini's to be precise) he would come over with a sealed envelope to hand over with the drinks to Corque. 

Corque arrived at 10.30pm. We were parked round the corner. He was dressed in a suit and had his business satchel on him with presentation in hand. He ordered 3 Bellini's and the waiter gave him an envelope which in short had the following message:

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...you got pranked. Get ready for your stag...you don't deserve any of it, but it's going to be epic".

Corque then left the hotel, and we caught him coming out in a suit and tie, holding a leather folder containing his presentation, and looking like a rather embarrassed young man:

Diversion prank...check.

4. Plan a trip

It HAD to look like it was actually his stag trip to Vegas. We therefore organised what we thought we would have done if we were actually going:

• Official stag t shirts
• An official stag song
• Official stag rules
• A mini bus to drive us all to Heathrow airport
• An official stag opening ceremony
• Printed off flight details
• Printed off hotel bookings

We also decided to:

• Create a 20 page Vegas trip itinerary (including the fake phone numbers of the club promoters we had to get in touch with whilst we were in Vegas), 
• Organise members of the group who "couldn't make it", to text or phone Corque, timing their messages for when we were on the motorway heading towards the airport
• Tell everyone to actually pack suitcases with toiletries, shoes, shirts, swimwear, trousers etc etc)

• Tell  my brother's fiancée that we were genuinely taking Corque to Vegas for his stag, telling her to keep it a secret and pack a bag for him without him knowing.

Oh and before I forget, we also:

• Ordered a stag costume as well which we felt was highly appropriate. After all, as Corque was being framed for acting like a c*nt, we would dress him up as a life size vagina.

Like I said...success was in the detail.

So, I'm sure the question on everyone's lips is how did it go? 

Well, Corque may tell you that he "knew" the whole thing was a setup. Personally, I just think that he only reacted as anyone of us would if you had just been royally slaughtered by a group of boys that included closest friends, your brother, and even you bloody Dad.   

But I guess the only fair thing to do is to let you be the judge of that. So sit back, relax, whack the video onto full screen, and take it in... 

So, Vegas Prank: done.

For those who think this is taking "banter" a step too far, please don't worry. Corque's actual stag was sensational, so keep a look out for next week's post, where I will go through what we did to make up for this event.

1luv,

Finey

p.s. big love to Corque for taking it like a man as opposed to the vagina he was dressed as 

xxx

(My) Life.Is.Stag.

It's been a while guys- a thousand apologies.

STAG LIFE

However, my extracurricular life has been quite inundated with banter organising since my last post. You see, I have had the privelege of helping to organise not just 1 but 3 stags which all coincided within 6 weeks of each other, the last of which is this upcoming weekend.

Now I'm sure that there are many of you who are thinking:

"But what's the big deal...it's just a stag".

Well I'm sorry, but if that's how you feel...GET OFF MY FUCKING SITE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK.

For you see, in my opinion, and in fact the opinion of my nearest and dearest, a stag party is more than an opportunity to throw a nice send off for the groom to be...it's an experience, a rite of passage that should live in the groom's memory forever.

The blueprint for such an experience is pretty simple. There are 3 ingredients:

Stag prank: rinsed.

1. The pre stag: a general gathering. Get some of the stag's closest friends and family together a month or so after the announced engagement. This will either be held

a) at someone's house- including a meal of sorts, lots of booze, dares for the stag (i.e. my brother had to regurgitate a goldfish), as well as one or two ladies of the night.

b) a night on the town- starting at a strip pub, moving to a nightclub and ending at a strip club. Stag in appropriate fancy dress (obviously).

c) at an airport/train station because you've tricked the stag into thinking you are going away that day...when you aren't

Just a casual black tie stag dinner...whatevs

2. The stag trip: a weekend away. Themed (of course), with personalised fancy dress for all involved, rules for stag members to follow at all times, an 'active' activity (i.e. surfing/paintballing), an extremely unnecessarily over the top meal for dinner (i.e. lamb on a spit of a 3 course catered feast), a surprise for the stag (i.e. make him think you are tying him down for a stripper when you are actually doing this so you can veet the hair off of his entire body), a highly elaborate video drinking game (i.e. usually entailing family members and the wife to be, manipulating questions and highlighting inappropriate behaviour when you were filming them on camera), an official stag song and soundtrack (only really works if you are or a superstar music producer happen to have one as a close friend), copious amounts of drink, a megaphone, an unusual second activity (i.e. body zorbing football/ sumo rugby), and of course, a huge night out on the town.



3. The post stag: a night in. Having taken lots of photos and videos of the weekend, make a 30 minute movie, invite all the stag attendees round and laugh at how stupidly good it was when you forced the stag to do things to his body he just shouldn't ever have to.

As I'm sure you can guess, to execute this let alone execute it well takes a helluva lot of planning, and of course, the great debate will be:

"Is it really worth the effort?"

Well, don't get me wrong there are times when I also ask this question...However, when I look across a room and see 20 grown men in black tie suits, having just finished a three course gala feast, jumping on their chairs and crying with laughter because the stag has just eaten a deep fried pigs eye, my questions is usually answered with an "abso-fucking-lutely".

Was it worth it...Eye think so.

This weekend sees the final chapter in a trilogy of quite legendary weekends away with some truly remarkable human beings.

And so, over the next few weeks I will be posting all the hilarious things we have done that will hopefully give you all some great inspiration for any times this summer when you are bored and fancy doing something a bit different!

It's been a long time coming- but ishouldtrythatout is back, and I have much to tell you all!

1luv,

Finey

x